‘You can make or break a child’ says Dr C.P. Varkey, SJ, in his book ‘Handle with Care. It is a must read for Parents & Educators alike.
It is often seen that many parents in their quest to bring up children in good discipline and to give them quality education adopt means based on misconceptions to achieve the end. From the time child is a toddler and starts crawling it is told ‘not to touch this; not to touch that’ ‘don’t do this and don’t do that’. As the days pass, the child is made to believe that it is not supposed to do anything unless ordered by the parents and in the process the child doesn’t spontaneously do anything; doesn’t even laugh and even when it laughs, it covers the mouth with the hand!
It is said that the American society has more dogs than children. When the child is small and the feeding bottle is thrust into its mouth, it doesn’t resist, but as time passes, it starts crying, kicking and resisting when something is thrust upon. As the child becomes a three year old, it almost decides whether to eat or drink what is provided. Especially in the American society children of the age of twelve or thirteen decide their course of life quite early – whether to live with the parents or elsewhere, to have boy friend or girlfriend, and many such things. However, in the case of a dog even it is kicked, beaten and abused and sufficient food not provided for, it would come back to the master with love wagging its tail and would still love the master. And for this reason, the American families have more dogs than children today!
When I see the physical condition of some small children, I feel pity equally for them and their parents. It appears as if life has been ‘squeezed’ out of them and they look just a mass of flesh without any emotions, enthusiasm and purpose in life. They are ‘burdened’ like the donkey which carries soil from dawn to dusk, from one spot to another, religiously for its master. Life is not more enthusiastic for such children than the so-called donkeys. Parents of such children need lots of counseling in bringing up children. In their enthusiasm to bring up the children in good discipline (sometimes military discipline), English-speaking and toppers, they unknowingly ‘deprive’ them of their sleep, some play, screaming, shouting etc which nature has given them. They are by force woken up early in the morning and made to rush through the ritual of getting ready for school and when they get back with the ‘load of books’ weary and tired, they are made to do nothing, but study.
Some people, after they get a degree stop ‘learning’ and this is the reason for many of the malaise in families. In one of the convocation ceremonies of IMT, Ghaziabad
Recently I came across a case where a child of 6th class didn’t come back from school after the school hours. There was panic all around with the Police, parents and friends searching for the child all around. Grand parents and relatives at distant places were praying and in constant touch with the near and dear ones on phone. It was strongly believed that the child had gone away on his own volition (as he was spotted by one of the staffers at a distance of about 5 kms). Finally at night around , the child became panicky and reached a shop and asked for help to call his father on the mobile. The Police was called in and the child was brought home after some time. His school bag didn’t have anything other than a small Bible.
Though initially the boy spun the story of kidnapping and a clever escape, he broke down the next day and told his father that he ‘missed’ many things in life vis-à-vis his friends in school, like eating out, pocket money, playing out etc and study has become a ‘burden’ for him because of his mother’s ‘pressure’ to always study. It was obvious thus that he threw away all his books! The most disturbing point he unfurled was that his mother doesn’t love him and loves only his younger brother and beats him while resolving disputes between them. This was a spine chilling incident for me. It was also clear that the mother was not learned enough at handling sibling rivalry.
On parents’ love, I have heard about a five year old girl, whose parents were working abroad. This child asked someone as to when the next train would pass that way in order to commit suicide on the track as she felt that her parents did not ‘love’ her!
In today’s busy life where cost of education is sky-high, parents are unable to meet requirements of children fully vis-à-vis their wealthy counterparts, whose children always exhibit their wealth. Given such pressure, if the parents are not ‘educated’ to handle sensitive issues involving children, things become out of one’s control when they grow up, affecting the children & parents detrimentally. Parents of small children thus need counseling, wisdom derived from Bible besides knowledge from the self help books to mould the tender mind & body of children and make them happy and responsible citizens.
In this fast changing world, children of the age of 10-12 are bound to ask for computers, pocket money, mobile phone, entries into social networking sites like Facebook and, perhaps, at the age of 13-14, a girl child might ask permission from parents to go out with her boy-friend for a movie and even ask for a drop off and pick up by parents! These are harsh realities of the fast changing world and parents should be learned and prepared to face them.
In his boo The Monk who sold his Ferrari, Robin Sharma writes “Take time to watch them grow and flourish. The best gift you could ever give your children is your love. Get to know your children. Show them that they are far more important to you that the fleeting rewards of your career. Pretty soon they will be off, building lives and families of their own. If you do not, you are your children’s childhood, then it will be too late, the time will be gone.”
One doesn’t have to go far; listen to what Solomon had to say in Proverbs: “Wisdom shouts aloud in the streets, she raises her voice in the market place; at street corners she cries; she delivers her speeches at the city gates: You ignorant people, how long will you continue to cling to your foolishness? How long will mockers revel in their mockery, and fools have contempt for knowledge?”
It is never too late for parents to learn and it is never too early for them to sow the seeds of love in the hearts and minds of children, bring them up in the flourishing love of Jesus and make them believe that they are more important than their Report Cards. Yes, as Dr Varkey says “You can make or break a child.” The decision is yours.
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